The Suburban Jungle

Jake had a sleep over last night with his best friend. I am always scared something extreme will happen. I am one of those highly obsessive unlogical thinkers that jumps right to the nth degree. For instance, at his first sleep over with this very same friend I was convinced he was going to get smothered by him. I know that Jake passes out and his friend will be up bored and wanting to play.

He could do something obvious, like draw a moustache with permanent marker, he could put his hand in a cup of warm water, but no, I go straight to smothering. Now this child we’ll call him Ben, (cause that’s his name) has no criminal record and has never smothered anyone, that I know of. But, I could not sleep. Instead of celebrating with a raucous romp, I was up every hour wondering how many pillows are in Ben’s room.

When Jake came back breathing I was thrilled and our day was normal. We went for a swim and Jake stripped down, wrapped a towel around himself and grabbed his junk as he so often does. Nothing out of the ordinary. Well I guess holding his stuff reminded him of the repercussions of the sleepover.

Jake: “Mom do you know what balls are?”

Me: “Sure you have tons of balls, baseballs, tennis balls…”

Jake: “Nope. (drop towel lift penis and squeeze sac) these are balls. See one two, see cause they’re like balls.”

Ryan: “Like the balls on my tongue”
(May that be the only context in which she utters those words to me again.)

Jake: “No Ryan these are balls, see ball, line, ball (squeezing and pointing so Ryan can get a good look) Mommy is talking about my balls and you’re talking about tongues.”

Me: “No, Mommy isn’t talking about your balls, Mommy is just listening.”

Jake: “Mommy, do you know what nuts are?”

I’ll take this over smothering every time. Thanks Ben.

This entry was posted on Sunday, June 22nd, 2008 at 1:18 pm and is filed under Daily grind, Mom issues, Wit, cookie magazine, humor, parent issues, parody, slice of life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.