Grandparent alert!!! The following post is not suitable for parental viewing, particularly if you happen to be one of my parents. You know who you are.
Last night I went to a sex party, which one of my friends was co-hosting. Upon entering, I was quickly introduced to the “Sexpert.”
“Jenny this is Julie, she is a penis expert.”
“That’s funny. I’m somewhat of a penis expert myself,” I said, buffing my nails on my shirt as if cleaning an apple. Then I blathered something about not being a pro like her, but more of a novice. “I mean it’s not that I couldn’t go pro if I… It’s just I don’t want to ruin my amateur status for the Olympics.” Jenny what the hell are you talking about? Did you just mention the Olympics? The Olympics of what – hand-jobs? Just shut up, already.
Sometimes when I’m uncomfortable I use humor to fill conversational gaps. Did I say use? I meant abuse, like in the form of an oddly misplaced stand-up routine, which can sometimes get painfully frantic.
“Oh, what do you do?” she asked, not knowing what to make of my schtick. “Are you a urologist or something?”
“No, I’m just a slut.“ Really, Jenny? Did you just say that? “I’m not really a slut, I’ve just had my fair share of penises.” Well, that fixed it. Now if someone could offer me a drink or something, I could make some non-PC reference like, “No thanks I got drunk on the ride over.” Ba-dum-bum…there’s a two drink minimum, and please don’t forget to tip your waitress.
Leaving me to recover from my awkward comedic spewing, Julie went off to set up her consortium of vibrators and other paraphernalia. And wouldn‘t you know it – lucky me- I was chosen to wear the vibrating undies. They didn’t vibrate constantly, but were actually activated via remote. I spent much of her discussion trying to pinpoint who was controlling said remote. Each time I was “zapped,” it sent me about five inches off the sofa, which really entertained the crowd.
Before too long, I realized that my party mates were intrigued by Julie’s products and the impact they could have on their sex lives. I had originally pegged these girls as tame and conservative, but those are the ones you gotta look out for. By the sheer gleam in their eyes, I would wager that at least one had a secret room, and maybe two more frequently used a “safe-word.” Should I be intrigued by these items as well? I am just here for research. I am an observer. Of course, that implies that any purchases are write-offs. Who aside from a hooker can make that statement?
Our instructor pulled out the “Bunny” the “Koala Bear,” the “Humming Bird,” and the “Elephant.” Why are they all animals? I rarely think of animals when I am trying to have an orgasm.
Finally, she pulled out what she called “The Mother of all Vibrators.” It was called the Vishnu: it had so many arms, so many options… It was like the Swiss Army knife of sex toys.
It wiggled, jiggled, pumped, undulated, swerved, lurved, fluxed, rolled, snorfed, found your G spot, your car keys, and changed a flat. She went on to show us the features, and mid sentence she dunked it in her latte. “Did I mention it’s waterproof?” She giggled as she used it to refroth her milk.
I appropriately dub thee: “The Divorcer.”
So, I left with the urge to come home and show my husband that we didn’t need to enhance our already perfect, albeit infrequent, sex life. However, when I got home, the first thing I did was clean my oven, and I don’t mean that metaphorically.
You see, I had left my oven on self-clean and my house smelled as if it had been broiled. How could I, in good conscience, go to bed or “to bed,” without wiping off the residue? It’s wasn’t like the residue would still be there in the morning.
There I stood, well crouched, tipsy, children in bed, at 10pm, in white wide leg jeans cleaning my oven. Hmmm, maybe our sex life could use some enhancing… or a new cleaning lady. Tap, tap… is this thing on?
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HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AND KNOWING WHO A FEW OF THE “PARTY MATES” WERE—MAKES THAT PART EVEN FUNNIER WHEN YOU REFERENCE THE GLEAM IN THE EYES AND PERHAPS A SECRET ROOM!!!!!!!! LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:)
I just want to clarify that I’m a different Julie that’s a Hairstylist, and definitely not a “Penis Expert!” Although, I have been told I do give an exceptional “Blow” which (more often than not) constitutes a “Happy Ending!” LOL!!!
Glad to know that I’m not the only one that uses/abuses humour and regret it AT THAT VERY MOMENT but yet can’t stop myself! Last night I was at a bridal shower for a friend who is renewing vows on their 40th anniv. I was 20 yrs younger than most women there and keep making STUPID remarks about the bride needing to get a portable pole! Really hilarous stuff, but my humour was not fully appreciated by women w/incontinence issues and knee problems. WHY COULDN’T I SHUT UP?
If you and I hung out together we would be dangerous!!
OMgoodness. that was hysterical. while I don’t think of myself as a prude, I just might have died of embarrassment especially with the vibrating undies. You’re a good sport for wearing them. *LOL*
Too funny!
Clean the oven or have sex?
Whatever ended up happening, I hope you ended up dizzy and disoriented, and that you properly cleaned up afterwards.
The Retirement Chronicles
I LOVED the warning at the top. Do you think they listened and ran quickly the other way?
This entire story represents exactly what a sex party should be all about. Perfect and full of vibrations~
Rebecca
I love your sense of humor! This post was really funny and hadme lauching out lout! Thanks for the jolt of laughter it really is the best way to begin my day…
Well, I didnt listen. All I can tell you it brought back fond memories of other sex toy parties. See we’re not all as stuffy as you think. If my head didn’t hurt I would have laughed out loud, but I was afraid I might hurt myself. Loved it.
Who did have the remote? Very funny…as always!
HILARIOUS! You cracked me up with that post. Too funny! (My first time visit, but definitely coming back!)
That was hilarious. It was a good thing I was reading from the comfort of my own home as I could not control my laughter. I have never been to a sex party and fortunately (or maybe unfortunately, depending on who you ask) have never even seen a vibrator up close (is that too much information?) but the way you write I can totally picture the scene… especially the remote controlled vibrating undies. That is so funny.
I can say on good authority that a milk frother can not be used the other way round.
great responses… Jamie, it’s ironic the person I was complaining about the vibrating undies to, was holding the remote the whole time… thanks.
Rebecca, as you can see my mom ignored the warning… as long as my dad heeds it we’re all good!
I may have converted some semi-prudes and new readers (though I won’t say which are which) Sandi, Cindy, Nadine… welcome.
Biz coach we should avoid ever meeting it could be explosive.
Much love,
Jenny From the blog
This is just too funny. And yes, when I am a bit uncomfortable I will seek my comedic talents to entertain and not embarrass.
Funny story.. hope the oven is good and clean!! My husband thinkis I am sexy when I clean……. hmmm maybe because I don’t clean the house often… but always when he can appreciate!
Thanks for the afternoon giggle..
Hilarious! It’s so refreshing to see those of the female gender have a sense of humor about sex. Too often it seems to be taken so seriously. It should be a fun thing.
Great post.
Steve
Hilarious
You are such a GREAT writter.
Love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL. Those with the foot in the mouth disorder – UNITE!!! Count me in.
Hysterical. This was great. A little awkward for a guy to read, but still really really funny.
But I guess the biggest question for me is why would anyone want to froth their milk with a vibrator?
This post put a smile on my face and I laughed out loud frequently. Hilarious.
That is great! My oven reallllly needs to be cleaned…not metaphorically speaking…I seem to always take the other option.
Surely, that was metaphorical milk that got frothed.
I signed up via RSS. Nice work!
If you wrote every day then I’d laugh every day.
ROTFLMAO!
That was priceless.
Thanks for the giggles and laughter
You just made me spit my coffee all over the computer I was laughing so hard! Hilarious!
It is your life and you choose what to do with it.
I am disappointed with the so called sexpert mentioned in your post on learning that She used Vishnu name for a sex toy. If you run into her again do let her know that it is the name of a Hindu deity and many may find it very offending. I hope she has a faith and believes in god no wonder by whatever name she refers to God. Hope she considers how she would feel if her toy were named after her god’s name whatever faith she believes in.
I really pity the misrepresentation on India & Hinduism especially since Hinduism is a mature way of life that has been around over 5000 years. I hope someday the west will understand the true meanings and get rid of misrepresentations caused by Indiana Jones temple of doom movie, countless other videos and viral clips about India or Indians that show a bad thing and don’t point out the good things, the past administration’s habit of blaming everything on India and China, whatever misunderstandings there are about Kamasutra.
I hope you take my feedback in a good spirit and that it applies to the expert of yours and not to you.
Sure, you had me hooked with the use of “penis expert” (Was there a course of study in that in college? But then wrapping with this? “our already perfect, albeit infrequent, sex life.” We’re soul sisters!
Thanks for following my blog; I’m reciprocating enthusiastically. (NO G spots involved…just to clarify…)
I’m happy to see so many new readers and commenters. Keep em coming.. I am very insecure and need constant affirmation. “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough.”
Also, welcome Cheryl we will have lots to talk about at book signings.
I have to give Rachy credit for the Swiss Army knife response. It was hers, I plagiarized it and made it my own, which was all in the name of comedy.
And a sorry to “Disappointed,” it was all written in fun there is nothing serious about this post… especially the part about me having my fair share of you know what… it’s comedy. Comedy I tell you. … “And gosh darnit, people like me.”
PS meeting of BLUCH
(Brash Loquacious Uncomfortability Caused Humorists)next Thurs. See many of you there.
<3 jenny from the blog
You are such a trip! LOL… Uh, so did you get to keep the panties and where can I get some ’cause I don’t have a husband waiting at home for me?
… I really enjoy your posts.
Now I REALLY want to party with you, JFB! (Not in a creepy I-kissed-a-girl-way or anything. Just cuz you’re funny. And as a fellow BLUCHer, I know we’d have lots to chat about…) Thanks for the laugh!