License to Procreate
I realize that 13-14 year olds, Crackheads, homeless people, cheap hookers, and teenage pop stars should not be having children. I’m not, however, taking a stance on moral or political issues; I’ll leave that to Paris Hilton. As a pretty normal adult, with the means to raise a child, I admittedly had no clue what I was doing with my first. I remember leaving the hospital thinking, “He’s mine? I own him? You guys trust me to walk out that door and raise a child because I made the obligatory bowel movement, and I demonstrated my ability to put him in a car seat?”
Isn’t it baffling that everyday people like us are allowed to procreate without first passing a test or getting some kind of license? Think about it, you need a library card to take out a five dollar novel, because you can’t be trusted to return it in a period long enough to read it four times over. You’re also required to pass a test to drive a car, sell a house, or be a lifeguard. You can take a class to learn how to give birth, but once that baby’s out, you’re on your own.
There was no test at my OB’s pre-pregnancy interview. All he asked was, “Do you have insurance and are you getting folic acid?”
“Of course I’d never think about bringing life to this Earth without the recommended 30,000mgs of folic acid per day… I’m also taking heroin, but you didn’t ask me that.”
What if I don’t feed him, bathe him, or water him? I could let him swim after lunch without waiting the mandatory 30 minutes, or dress him in clothes that don’t match. I could drop him off on the first day of middle school, roll down the window and scream, “Mama loves her Snuggle Buggle!”
At the very least, there should be some kind of “Mommy Aptitude” screening. During your interview, they could call your mom. Mine would say, “Jenny always dreamed of being a mother and loved playing house. Her dolls were mostly naked, and she liked to cut their hair down to the hair transplant plug scalps. Sometimes she would detach their limbs and try to put them back in the wrong sockets, possibly to amuse herself, though I found it rather disturbing. Have I said too much? No, really, she would be wonderful. They would be so clean; I recall how much she liked bathing with them.”
Doctor’s response: “Put in a 10 year IUD, give her supervised visitation with a hermit crab, and make sure someone counts the legs.”
Not only do doctors promote the concept of “Motherhood” to anyone donning a wedding ring, with reckless abandon, they encourage us to have more. This is also known as repeat business. The second my daughter arrived my OB said, “So, when am I gonna see you back in the saddle?”
Great a stirrup joke. “Take it easy Doc, the placenta’s not even cold yet.”
Well, a month and a half later I ran into him again. Actually, I had an appointment so it wasn’t as random as I’m making it sound. He said, “At 6 weeks you are extremely fertile, so now is the time for another romp in the stable.” I immediately went home to tell my husband the doctor said, “Now is the time I am extremely unstable, so no romps for at least 6 more weeks.”
How about a probationary period to see if you’re any good at this parenting thing? When you get a new job, they evaluate you every 6 months. They certainly don’t give you more responsibility until you’ve proven you can handle your current load, unless you work at MacDonald’s.
How does my OB know how I’m gonna solve disputes? When my children are fighting over the last lollipop, who says I won’t shove them all in the playroom, lock the door, and say, “last one standing gets it?”
Well, lucky for me I am an excellent mother regardless of not being licensed and accredited. This is a concept I could contemplate for hours, but my naked daughter just walked by with a lollipop matted in her crew cut, so I’ve gotta give her a bath.
March 3rd, 2010 at 8:50 am
Loved it, but I will say, you turned out to be a pretty good mother. I guess the apple doesn’t fall to far from the tree…but wait you haven’t reached the teen years yet, their the most fun…Enjoy!!
March 3rd, 2010 at 9:27 am
got to love it. I have always wondered how we all get away with this parenting thing every day. To celebrate my second oldest’s 20th birthday yesterday we bought him a cake from Target in the shape of a purse (twizzler handle and all) and lit it up, sang, while his 10 year old brother held up a photo of the birthday boy (who happened to be in NYC and not at the table), then we snapped a digital a facebooked it to him and his partner. Not your typical all-american family celebration but hey, what fun would that be?
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:27 am
Great post, JB ~ our hermit crab cooked itself on the tank’s heating element and all of his legs fell out. Had this happened before kids, I might have thought twice about making babies.
March 3rd, 2010 at 3:58 pm
Jenny, your article poses the perfect argument for new legislative acts requiring people to take courses in relationships and passing the required exam before any license to marry is given and then requiring classes in parenting and exams passed prior to allowing copulation! I agree with Cheri in spite of your apparent lack of parental studies your ability to parent is supreme. It must be the love.
March 3rd, 2010 at 4:38 pm
thanks for the laughs!!!
March 4th, 2010 at 8:44 pm
Great piece. Parenting might even be tougher for hubby. While little girls were pulling off limbs and doing bad barbering, their counterparts, us guys, were doing slingshot stuff ,teasing sisters and cowboy quick draws with their six guns. You may have diapered the dolls with sandpaper like cloth, we guys had to wait until ” D ” Day to learn. That first time was a real trip. Thinking back, only g-d knows how my kid survived.
March 5th, 2010 at 3:45 pm
So true, Jenny. But what if we didn’t pass the test? Just look and see what we would be missing! You’re a “bloody good Mum” – that is with a British accent! Sorry Ryan!
March 5th, 2010 at 5:47 pm
You said it, soul-sister! My pre-child nurturing experience consisted of mashing some naked Barbies (never Kens) together and knocking about a trunk full of fake babies who usually had eyelids that had been mysteriously glued shut and crayons jammed into their mouth-holes. I, too, was a bit surprised by the whole “Nice job, mom! Good luck with the baby” attitude at the hospital. At the end of the day, I think the fact that we even THINK about this stuff puts us in the elite top percentile. Sadly.
March 5th, 2010 at 6:03 pm
I don’t know what kind of mom you are, but you’re an excellent writer. Keep it up. I love your blog.
March 5th, 2010 at 6:22 pm
Jenny, your post grabbed my attention from the first line and couldn’t stop reading until the end!! You made me smile line after line!! You are hilarious!!
March 7th, 2010 at 12:23 am
Shucks Monica, I’m blushing. Thanks so much for stopping to read and please come back often. I love a new reader especially one that has lovely things to say about me… I’m narcissistic that way.
March 7th, 2010 at 12:32 am
Karen- Too late now. So far all limbs accounted for, You’ve done good. Thank you Cheri, Bari, and Jamie for pointing out my excellent parenting skills. I managed to nurture rather than torture, despite my sketchy childhood. Jenna- I love that you mashed your Barbies together. Mine too were always naked and necking. Gretchen- Love your family tale, is there a typical all american family anymore? I think being not norm is more the norm, which is good for me cause I’m all kinds of not normal.
March 8th, 2010 at 4:21 pm
Catchy article, although I cringed at the placenta comment. Eew. As a Mom of three, it was entirely relevant and a fun read.
March 8th, 2010 at 9:09 pm
There, but for the grace of modern-day birth control go I
Great blog piece! My mother’s gonna like it. At least *one* of us relates to it
March 8th, 2010 at 10:32 pm
Tweeted. I can always rely on you for a good laugh. My sister-in-law just came home from the hospital with her second daughter. I’m sending her this post to laugh and to cry.
March 9th, 2010 at 10:30 am
Jenny – two years ago, I gave birth to my first child. during my post delivery recoop stay, they barely talked to me. they simply wheeled in this wrinkly, weird smelling (no one talked about that!) baby and left the room. i remember standing for a full hour just looking at it – not in that instinctively maternal way everyone talks about neither – and occasionally poking it. it’s a wonder she has made it to 2 years old!
March 9th, 2010 at 10:54 am
Fun article. Cudos to the parents out there who take the job seriously. I don’t know how you do it! With 4 younger siblings, I’ve decided I don’t need the mothering experience. I gladly leave that job up to others.
March 10th, 2010 at 10:42 am
In the business world, this is known as barriers-to-entry. Too bad there aren’t more of them for parenting! LOL!
http://jessicavitalis.com Stop Pinching Your Sister! (Practical Parenting Tips Based on My Columbia MBA)
March 10th, 2010 at 12:05 pm
Very funny! I have always said that the only important things we need to know are NOT taught in school. 1) How to get along with people (i.e. coworkers, in-laws, spouses) 2) How to manage your finances 3) How to negotiate 4) How to take care of infants, be a good parent and raise your children so they are not lunatics 5) Nutrition and well being 6) Geography
Your article makes me think of the movie Idiocracy. Kind of silly, but the point is well made about procreation.
March 10th, 2010 at 12:06 pm
am not sure about this. Clearly some people should not be having children, but on the other hand having a test could create more problems. For instance teens could potentially see a way to get around the ‘fear’ of pregnancy and the responsibility. They may see this as a way to continue to have all the “fun” of making a baby w/o the follow up care. People who don’t care are not going to care if there is a license or a test. They are far to selfish to think of anyone other than themselves. If parents had to take a test and failed what would happen to all of those children? It seems to me that this is potentially crossing a line that could do more harm than good. I do think it is a great idea to offer parenting classes and incentives to participate and pass. However, when and if we begin playing God, deciding who is and is not suitable to be a parent. I am not sure if that is a good idea. Instead I think those of us who have figured it out should share our knowelege and wisdom offering our assistance to parents who have no idea what they are doing. That’s how our grandparents and parents figured it out.
March 10th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
I remember looking at my first born and saying to myself that she did not come with a handbook!! Somehow most of us figure it out, sadly some do not.
March 10th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
OMG – I was thnking ppl needed to get a license to have a kid while I was at Walmart yesterday……had nothing to do w/#2 or a carseat…… if they had to get a license…would curtail kids having kids…….hmmmmm
March 10th, 2010 at 1:08 pm
Good one, Jenny. There’s a line in a Lawrence Ferlinghetti poem: “wearing pants, making babies.” Making them is the easy part. Being a parent … that’s tough.
March 10th, 2010 at 2:15 pm
[...] come to this article, I apologize. I don’t know why that just went out! Feel free to read License to Procreate, if you haven’t read it, and I will try and figure out the technical shit that baffles me [...]
March 10th, 2010 at 2:52 pm
Hi Jenny,
Some parents DO actuelly have to pass several tests: adoptive parents. In Denmark we have a very thorough system. The intention is to secure the child, which is adopted. You have to attend a 4 days course, talk several times with the social workers, your economy is investigated, your health is checked etc. etc.
It is tough to go through, but the result is totally worth every moment when you are permitted (blessed) to adopt a child.
March 10th, 2010 at 4:06 pm
Funny stuff, Jenny, and well written.
If they’d asked my mother-in-law, she’d have said we should get a puppy or two instead. So it’s a good thing they didn’t. Puppies are such trouble but, then again, they don’t have kennels for kids when you need to get away. But then again, again, the relatives are happier to take in a kid for a day or two than a dog. At least, any dog I’ve ever had.
I’m against testing for parenthood, though. Tests tend to foster conformity. That’s a good thing for driving, so the majority of people drive on the right (correct) side of the road most of the time. But for something as important as parenting we need all the diversity, all the new and old ideas we can get.
It is amazing that we muddle through. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we fail, mostly we do the best we can and that’s good enough.
If I were you, though, I’d cut out the heroin. It takes a real bite out of the tuition budget.
But keep up the humor; that’s the best skill a parent ever had.
March 10th, 2010 at 4:40 pm
Way to pick the low-hanging fruit. Yes, there should be a license to procreate. Just tell me how we’re gonna enforce it? Confiscate your va-jay-jay and his lollipop until you both get a passing grade on the written exam?
The plain fact of the matter is that some 4-5 billion of the people on this planet have been and/or are being horribly abused, at least emotionally, if not physically, psychologically, financially, environmentally, and legally. And most of the rest of us get a major taste of the same thing.
This is not to say we should just grin and bear it. Oh no. But there’s no point in polemicizing about stopping all births until we finish the training on how to parent.
Instead, we oughta be working on the positive side of things.
One possibility: making parenting a kind of “trust” — like lawyers or financial planners handling your affairs and your money — with a code of ethics, an enforcement body, and plenty of prestige.
Your thoughts?
March 10th, 2010 at 11:20 pm
Sadly, this must explain why I’m an only child. My mother still can’t return the library books on time. She also returns Redbox DVD’s to the library often.
I shall share by tweeting, it’s somewhat like sharing a cold without the nasal drainage.
March 12th, 2010 at 1:54 am
Gretch– that’s hilarious! You’re an amazing writer! jc
March 12th, 2010 at 4:16 pm
I’ve always wondered about this myself. Not so much for me, though. Other people. You know. The bad ones.
March 12th, 2010 at 5:44 pm
An enjoyable read. My mom always used to say that people should have to go to school and get a degree to have a baby. This was back in the 70’s. I always thought she was right on about that. Too many people who shouldn’t be parents, procreating and spawning creatures like John Gardner who recently murdered two young girls. Children who are brought upon this planet should all be passionately desired, and both parents (+the community) should raise them not to be entitled brats. I’ve done my part by NOT having ANY. Rather than push girls into motherhood simply because it’s the cultural “norm,” girls should be encouraged to make a considered choice. So many people have kids who really should not.
(By the way, part of your piece is on a white background and part’s on the slanted checkerboard which makes it difficult to read.)
March 13th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
Firstly:
1) I love your ’stuff’.
2) However, as the product of a wild and crazy Christmas Eve party myself…where would you install this “Mommy Aptitude” screening device?….it would probably have to be at the entrance to the vagina and work independently of the owner…LOL… Enough said.
Looking forward to your next column
Kirk
March 14th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
if there were to be a formal licensing process, i would recommend a “trainee” program:
1) include haz mat training, say by getting the “dirty jobs” guy to show how to contain runny poopy diaper stuff
2) include a physical trainer so you can do the 25 yr. sprint faster than your 3rd old when she breaks free of your hand and is headed into traffic
3) include upper body building so you can carry a 35-lb. sleeping toddler on one hip while doing other chores and keeping the other kids under control
4) implant mini-cams in the back of your head, so that mom really does have eyes in the back of her head
5) and teach both parents to learn patience immediately! (this is as applicable to the 2-yr. old having a meltdown in the middle of the mall and the 17-yr. old who wrecked the car)
well, if a couple can master these things, the rest of parenting should be a breeze.
March 20th, 2010 at 4:05 pm
Got my interest from the start and I laughed all the way through it!