The Suburban Jungle

Seriously, either I’m too old or too prudish, but I can’t figure out why women need to do so much vaginal maintenance to get their man’s attention these days.  I used to be a vaginal visionary, a pioneer if you will.  I was the first on the block to get a Brazilian, a “landing strip,” and the unfortunate “wax-ident” I term, “The Charlie Chaplin.”  Well, I don’t have proof that I was the first, but I’m pretty confident.  Now, vaginal maintenance has become a truly hair razing experience.

A couple years back, there was Va-hedging (okay, I don’t know about the term, but the trend was real) think Edward Scissorhands and a bottle of semi-permanent color.  You could have a red heart for V-day and a green clover for St. Patties.  Then there was vajazzling:  Using Swarovski crystals to add a little bling to your lady thing.  I had been waiting for someone to put those crystals to better use… what timing, I’m sure it made the 115yr old company proud to be associated with such a high class fad.

Now, there’s vattooing  KEEP READING (it’s worth it! oh, and comment if you can!)

My 8-year-old is definitely a “mama’s boy,” and it turns out that my extra mothering and snuggling with him may help him later on in life. Read More

Usually, separation anxiety happens when children are in preschool, which means… it’s kinda not mandatory.  But, let’s be honest, the socialization is great for our kids, and it’s nice to have time for a shower.  It’s such a ridiculous experience if you think about it, you’re torturing your child and yourself and the whole time you’re asking, “For what?”  For three hours of freedom, which you’re going to spend worried and upset?  When it’s happening, all your parenting instincts are telling you to go in and save your child from this injustice and then finally the teacher pops out and says something like, “It’s okay mom, she’s doing great.”  Meanwhile, you hear the dry heaving in the back ground.

1)      Never sneak out.

This is the number one rule in leaving a sad child.  It’s so tempting because one minute your child is screaming and then they’re distracted by an old friend or a fish tank for a split second and you’re like, “wahoo.”   As soon as the fish or the friend get boring, and they will, your child is searching for you.  Now, you’ve lost her trust and the cycle starts over, except this time you’re not there to reassure her.

2) Always tell them, “Mommy will be back.”

Will you come back?  It’s such a gut wrenching thing to hear.  You need to let them know you’ll both be fine without each other for a short span of time and that you always come back.  Let’s be honest sometimes mommy never leaves.  I spent the first two days of my son’s nursery school in the coffee break room.  It was this tiny little closet with enough room for me and a coffee machine and me.  By the end of the day I was shaking and I’m not sure if it was all the caffeine or my own fear.

3) Make your exit short and sweet. (more…)

I’m now a Parenting Correspondent for NBC 6 Miami and the Second Segment on Healthy Homework Habits is in!!!
If you’re in the South Florida area, you can see my segment on Friday’s South Florida Today show, which is between 11AM and Noon. Please tune in or tivo and tell your friends. I’ll bring you 5 tips each week to help tackle parenting issues that we all deal with like separation anxiety and homework habits, to learning to say “no,” a skill I’m still perfecting, and by perfecting I mean failing miserably at. ENJOY and Thanks for the support!

Okay, I’m going to get this rant out as fast as possible because I’m sure to have something shoved in my mouth if I take too long!  I don’t understand why all the adults, AKA servants, want to shut me up!  Are they afraid of what I might say?  Do they fear my political beliefs?  My position on global warming or the impending destruction of our economy?  The truth is, though I have interesting thoughts on all of those topics, I just want to shoot the sh*t.  Maybe talk about a beautiful shade of red, or point out a toy that should be “MINE MINE MINE,” but they don’t even hear me out.  They quickly stifle my requests with a binky, a boob, or a spoon full of mush.  READ MORE

Here is the original article I did for iVillage I gave you a bit more than a teaser this time because a lot was edited out.

When I first sat down to write this article I couldn’t help but snicker; not because this seems like an amusing predicament to be in, but because the topic tested my maturity level.  A nervous wave came over me as I reluctantly imagined this scenario and all I could think was “Awkward.”  As awkward as this circumstance is for the parent, consider the gut wrenching embarrassment from a child’s point of view.  I know, simply empathizing could make you red in the face.  In fact, at 30-whatever I am, I still wouldn’t want to have a conversation on the subject with one of my own parents.

So, what’s a parent to do when they’re confronted with such a touchy (no pun intended) situation?   (more…)

Why did I put her on such a pedestal with my kids. I’ll never learn.

Miley Cyrus has shown warning signs of crossing over the dark side of fame since her racy teenage photo shoot. That said, it should come as no surprise that since the final episode of Hannah Montana, she seems to be going out of her way to shed any remnants of her goody-two-shoes image. First, she channeled a stripper at the Teen Choice Awards, then her erotic performance in the Can’t Be Tamed video had critics across the globe comparing her to Britney Spears. Now, early reports on her new movie, LOL: Laughing Out Loud, prove that Cyrus can’t be tamed on the big screen as well.

Her character is reported to be sexually active, pot smoking, and seduces girls (more…)

Okay, so here it is: I’m never going to that g-d forsaken place you call school. I know it’s totally anti-establishment of me to say it, but I went to visit that place with my brother and after one look, I was out.

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Okay I must admit, like all of you, I see that times are tough, but I just got off the phone with a friend and caught myself saying something that implied that things have really gone south.

Me:  “Hey, can you pick me up a buffalo chicken sandwich at Fresh Market?”

Friend: “Sure.”

Me:  “Don’t forget to ask for the blue cheese dressing.  If it’s not in the container, they give it to you on the side… and it’s free.”

And it’s free??? Really, did I just use that phrase to imply that it’s freeness would make asking for it worth her while?  Like she wouldn’t be willing to spring for it?  (more…)

We need to have an intervention for that Facebook baby they caught with a bong.  I can’t believe it.  It usually takes a while for babies to be introduced to drugs.  Sure, you hear the stories about moms who swear by a bit of bourbon in the bottle, though my mom calls them misinformed, but this is out of control.  First the baby chain smoking on YouTube and now this baby tokin’ on Facebook.  What is up with the babies of today?  READ MORE

Warning to all parents, the web character Fred Figglehorn is getting his own movie — Fred:The Movie — which will air on Nickelodeon Sept. 17th. You may be asking yourself, “Who is this Fred, and why am I being warned of his impending flick?” Fred, a character developed and portrayed by teen Lucas Cruikshank, may be one of the most annoying personas ever created.Read More

Baby Bong Facebook Photo Lands Mom in Jail

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