Dreaded Parenting Explanation: Because I Said So That’s Why
As a child, I too encountered the dreaded “Because I Said So.” My parents usually yelled in frustration or hissed between clenched teeth. No matter what the method of delivery, it signified the end of the discussion. I remember wondering, what exactly does that mean and why is that a remotely valid argument? It was a parental trap; there was no way to fight it, and yet I felt unsatisfied in conceding to my parents.
Now, at 30 something I finally know what it means. It means the adult is losing the battle with a child. Yep, “Because I Said So” is the phrase used when you are being outsmarted or out-debated by an 8 year old. The truth is, sometimes their reasoning makes sense… a lot of sense. Sometimes, I listen and say, “okay, let’s do it your way.” Usually, I’ve made my point and I have to stick by it to be consistent. And the rest of the time, I’m just another stubborn adult standing on ceremony. If I had only known as a child what I know now. My self esteem would have had a real boost. I guess that’s part of parenting; pretending you know what you’re doing and using incongruous phrases when all else fails.
I never imagined that I would be losing arguments to 8 year olds or even 5 year olds, for that matter. Their smart little buggers, aren’t they? After 10 minutes of verbal “ping pong,” I’m spent. They’re still going and I am ready to play the, “let’s see who can be quite the longest game.”
The Great Debater: “Why can’t I have another candy?”
Me: “You had enough.”
TGD: “But, they’re small, so 10 equals one regular candy.”
Me: “Nope, you’re done, they’re bad for your teeth. Enough.”
TGD: “Why, they’re chocolate? The dentist said to choose chocolate over chewy candies, so they’re not really candy.”
Me: “They are still candy, it’s just less harmful to your teeth.”v(Why do I keep explaining? WHY?)
TGD: “But, So and So’s mom said they have nuts in ‘em which is good for you.”
Me: “Fine, you can go live with So and So’s mom. I’ll drop you off with your candy.”
TGD: “AWESOME!”
Now, I’m officially losing the battle. I’m frustrated, flustered, and worn out. The only argument I haven’t used is “If So and So told you jump off a bridge, would you?” And that’s only because I know it would be met with a resounding YES!
TGD: “So, why can’t I have one more? Just one more, only one healthy nut filled chocolate non-candy? Please please please?”
Me: “BECAUSE I SAID SO! That’s WHY! Now go to bed.”
TGD: “What? Why do I have to go to bed, it’s only 8 o’clock??? So and So’s mom lets him stay up till 9.”
January 25th, 2010 at 3:05 pm
Another great article!
I so appreciate you filling me in on the “because i said so”….you are SO right. I only use that phrase to end the conversation at hand…or debate!
Lately…the electric razor has been a big discussion…so now i’ll fill you in on the news….MY kids are coming to live with YOU!!!!!!!
January 25th, 2010 at 4:26 pm
My 8 year old daughter just entered the lovely phase of emotional extremes coupled with the constant verbal battles. So the other night when she was overly tired and not getting her way she kicked the bedroom door putting a nice dent in the wall. She was promptly sent to bed. We later found a note in her bed that said, “I have ran away.” We found her asleep in the guest bed. Classic!
My line for no more candy is “Because I love you too much to let you have any more candy.” My daughter (if she’s not overly tired) will reply “Ahhh. When I have kids I won’t let them have too much candy either.”
January 25th, 2010 at 5:09 pm
I had to laugh out loud. I just lost this debate with the same 8 year old and actually asked him if so and so told you to jump off a bridge , would you? I hate to tell you what the answer was. Keep em coming…out of the mouths of babes.
January 25th, 2010 at 6:17 pm
Been there! ha
And why is that some adults grow up and remain that argumentative too?
January 25th, 2010 at 7:01 pm
This is priceless prof positive that kids are brighter than
parents. Well, maybe not they’re just more relentless in
their practice of logic. I love Glynns advice. It’s loving and
apparently inarguable. ( the kids just run away until they
get tired,come back, and adapt with a great philosophy of their
own. Thanks so much for writing an article to which every
parent can relate.
January 25th, 2010 at 7:10 pm
Frustrating, isn’t it? Part of the neverending cycle. My parents went through the same battles with me, me with my kid and my kid……. Someday, many years later, said child understands you were doing your best, usually as they’re encountering a bright child they’re trying to convince, or strongarm, trying to win their own non-defensible position.
January 25th, 2010 at 8:48 pm
When you’re the grandmother, you get to say, “Because your mommy would get mad at me.”
January 25th, 2010 at 10:57 pm
Sounds like you have bright rational children. The little neanderthal men over here aren’t so rational. “Don’t play in the toilet.” “Don’t lick the spilled milk off the floor!” “No you can’t climb on the roof and jump off.” “Please don’t swing on THE DANG ON REFRIGERATOR DOOR!!” Are all commands that are not debatable. They don’t deserve an explanation. There’s no argument to present. There’s no meeting ground. I ain’t trying to rationalize with them. And I will not compromised. “Do it because I said so. The End!”
Once we had more than 3 children it just got to exhausting to try to nicely and intelligently rationalize with little beings that didn’t have enough experience in life to rationalize. I just couldn’t do it anymore! So I had to resort to the old school method of child rearing. It works…most days.
January 26th, 2010 at 1:11 am
when you get frustrated with these debates, just remember: you’re grooming TGD for a lucrative career as a lawyer!!!
your reward? someday you’ll be able to brag: “my son, the lawyer!” (isn’t that every mom’s dream?)
January 26th, 2010 at 4:10 pm
ROFL! I’m 43 and have two sons. Cory is 23 and Cameron is 15 and lives with classic Autism. I still find myself telling my oldest ‘because I said so’ but at this point, it by no means indicates I have lost the battle. It simply means I have learned to pick my battles. I have officially raised a child and I am at an age where I am too tired to have this argument and I am not going to have it! My youngest, even with all the challenges he faces with Autism, thinks concretely and literally. Once I ask it of him, he does it and it is programmed in. There are no gray areas with this one. My oldest is about to move out on his own soon and with the way things are going with the girlfriend, karma will have it’s due and he will be facing the same down the road. lol! Yeah, I know that one!
January 27th, 2010 at 11:56 am
This is why I’m trying to get my 8 yr old a job in sales. They never accept just a simple “no” as an answer. We should be livin’ large in no time!
January 30th, 2010 at 7:10 pm
I’ve started saying “because” and I hate it… memories of being frustrated with my mother when she wouldn’t explain why, but sheesh! the “why’s” never end!
January 31st, 2010 at 11:06 am
See I would have said, “because your teeth will fall out, but before that, one more chocolate will make your tummy hurt and you’ll throw up!” Then when they go to bed, fearful of vomiting, I eat the rest of those chocolates, just so I am sure the argument doesn’t start up again in the morning. And this strategy works, you know why?
Yep. You guessed it…
February 1st, 2010 at 4:35 pm
You’re a funny mom! Keep it coming. Thanks again for a good laugh:-)