On my way back from a trip to Whole Foods. I was in my car thinking about my highly inflated purchases, and wondering how much of my food’s airfare I had paid. My grapes were from Chile, my oranges from South Africa, and my avocado from Argentina.
It dawned on me that my fruit is worldlier than I am. So, I thought we could kill some time by discussing travel, good hotels, and sightseeing. The grapes were extremely friendly. Well, they were seedless, so what would you expect? They went on to warn me about their country. “Ay dios mio, jou don want to go to Chile. It may mean cold en Ingles, but esta muy caliente . Also, jou should remember to wash us bueno. We may be organic, but jou have no idea how much bug poop jour eating.”
What? That’s how they talk, they’re from Chile.
“Wow that was overly informational, I’m glad we spoke.”
The oranges were not so pleasant. One cantankerous orange spoke for the sack and said, “You call yourself a conservationist!?”
“What do you mean?”
“You live in Florida and you just bought oranges from South Africa! How do you sleep at night?”
“So, you’re a ‘Greenie’” I should have guessed, you being organic and all. Well, I will have you know whenever I see an empty plastic bottle I throw it in my SUV and drive 3 miles out of the way to take it to a collection site. You can’t say I don’t do my share.”
“Yeah? And I bet you leave your car running while you drop it off.”
“Well, of course I do, it’s super hot in Florida. Or, as your bag mates would say, muy caliente.”
“Waster!”
“It appears the history of unrest in your country has caused you to become bitter. In addition, I don’t appreciate your tone, Orange. I was just trying to make polite conversation. This is the last time I talk to produce!”
I got my revenge on that sour orange. First, I sliced him in half, and then I juiced him to a pulp. Next, I peeled off his skin and ate his carcass. I made his friends watch, and then set them free, so they could tell others what happens when fruit talks back.
Between this post and yesterdays, it appears I could use some anger management.
LOL If I ever send you a fruit basket, I’m sending it with bodyguards!
Really, anger management is my solution. Although,I may have damaged you as a kid, by cutting all those faces in your oranges . You really do think they talk. Keep them coming. This one started my day in a good mood and a smile on my face.
i don’t think its anger—just a WILD(to say the least) imagination!!!:)
loved it!!!:)
can I live inside your head?!?!?!
I WANT YOU AT MY FAMILY THANKSGIVING GATHERING – By the end of the day I’m guessing they’ll rethink their idea of how twisted MY mind is!! I’m going to go ahead and polish my angel wings now.
Reading the aftermath of your Whole Food shop was the highlight of my morning. So funny it competes with the Manicure; I thought your Best. Your writing gets better and better. “Talking to Fruit ? ” I can’t imagine your next topic. Can’t wait.
Jen,
I have some patients that speak to inanimate objects. There’s a seat available in their group therapy. Care to join?
Honestly, this was one of your best works yet!
Bari
Weird, but to be expected! Getting a little personal now…actually admitting you speak to fruit! But none the less, made me laugh!! What’s next?
I hate when my fruit talks crap to me. It ruins my day.
[...] I’m going to put a picture of my breastfeeding boobs on my counter. You know, next to the pictures of the people and animals I miss. The type of pictures you blow a kiss to when you walk by. To be honest, I also talk to those pictures, though I can’t imagine talking to my boobs. However, I’ve have been known to do stranger things. Those of you who have followed my blog for a while will remember a pretty heated conversation I had with some South African oranges. [...]
[...] I’m going to put a picture of my breastfeeding boobs on my counter. You know, next to the pictures of the people and animals I miss. The type of pictures you blow a kiss to when you walk by. To be honest, I also talk to those pictures, though I can’t imagine talking to my boobs. However, I’ve have been known to do stranger things. Those of you who have followed my blog for a while will remember a pretty heated conversation I had with some South African oranges. [...]