10 Resolutions I Can Actually Keep -the funniest most relatable article you’ve read all year!
(If you haven’t read this piece, it’s sooo worth it. If you have, and got a message on 3-10-10 to reread, I apologize. I don’t know why that just went out! Feel free to read License to Procreate, if you haven’t read it, and I will try and figure out the technical shit that baffles me everyday, in the mean time.)
This time of year I amuse myself by looking back at last year’s resolutions. Ones I made with the best intentions, like learning an instrument or a foreign language. Last Chanukah I had my husband buy me a guitar. I had all the confidence in the world that by this New Year, I would balk at a request to play “Stairway To Heaven,” saying something dismissive like… “Please, that’s so cliché, but why not?” or “Por favor, es muy cliché, pero porque no? Unfortunately, my guitar collects dust while my Spanish collects rust.
So for this year, I have made some resolutions that are a bit more achievable:
1. Nag More
For 10 years my husband has not picked up a wet towel, washed ketchup off of a dish, changed a light bulb, or remembered trash day without a friendly, “How many times do I have to tell you?” I vow to be relentless in my nagging. I will lay immediate blame using words like always and never. As in, “I always, and you never.” I will play the martyr by saying, “Forget it. I’ll do it myself.” I will amp up the guilt with, “I do everything around here.” Or something unarguable like, “It’s obvious by your refusal to change a light bulb that you don’t love me anymore.” If all goes well, I’ll be nagging him to go to couples therapy by 2011.
2. Gain Weight
I will add carbs to my diet with reckless abandon. I will start each meal with a generous helping of bread and rolls onto which I will spread an obnoxious amount of butter. I will stuff food into my mouth with such fervor it will make other eaters uncomfortable to watch. I vow to eat everything a la mode, including ice cream.
3. Workout Less
This will actually take serious effort. The only thing harder would be to shower less. If I need the proverbial cup of sugar, I will drive to my neighbor’s garage and beep until she comes out and hands it to me. I will take elevators in two-story buildings. Lastly, I will drop my membership to the gym and use the money I save to buy more carbs.
4. Forget an Old Language
This year, not only am I not going to learn a new language, I will let my brain atrophy to forget the one I already know. I will watch endless episodes of Sponge Bob and Chowder. I will stop doing crosswords and speaking in complete sentences. I will break all grammatical rules; I will misplace modifiers, dangle participles, and end sentences in prepositions. I will express my thoughts through that African clicking language, modern dance, and a set of bongos that I will wear around my neck.
5. Stay Out of Touch
This time of year, I am reminded of the many friends I have let time and space interfere with. I intend to further that distance. I will start by rejecting any new Facebook or social network requests. I will also attach a note that reads “I never liked you in the first place.” I will cuss out and hang up on people who call in hopes of fulfilling their own resolution to rekindle old friendships.
6. Be Less Patient
I will be aggravated, exasperated, and ready to blow my stack at the slightest misstep. The next time my son wants help with his homework I’ll say, “That’s it! Clearly this whole Elementary Education thing is not for you. If you don’t know how to spell December by now, you never will…Now, go get a job! Oh, and take your sister with you, she sits on the potty way too long.”
7. Hold Grudges
This year I will forgive no one. I don’t care if you step on my toe, or pay me the five bucks you owe me, a day after the assigned due date. I vow to hate you forever and never forget how you wronged me.
8. Stress More
I will lose sleep thinking about planning parties, redecorating my house, trying to budget, missing appointments, teacher conferences, and health issues. I will laugh an evil cackle while erasing all the plans from my PDA, and then cry over what I’ve just done. I will empty our bank account on frivolous investments and watch it dwindle away. Oh, wait…that already happened. Well good, more for me to worry about.
9. Become Addicted to Something
Smoking, alcoholism and Starbucks are so trite. I’m thinking something unique like nasal spray or hand sanitizer. Or at least something beneficial to my endurance like crack. Look, I already have a shopping addiction; maybe I could offset the bills with a robust gambling problem.
10. Gossip More
I vow to talk about everything you do in the New Year. If I see you at the pediatrician for so much as a flu shot, I will tell everyone your child has hand foot mouth, so you can be verbally assaulted when you show up at a birthday party the next day. If you look too skinny, I will assume it’s a divorce or an addiction. If you look too hot, I’ll call it a torrid affair. If you look too young, it’s an addiction to surgical procedures because you’re getting divorced, due to a torrid affair.
I will start a rumor phone tree and a blog called “WhatPeopleAreReallyUpTo.com.” I may even have a megaphone installed on my “Gossip Mobile,” so I can drive through town amplifying the skeletons in your closet to all within earshot. Oh, wait… I’ll just write about it in next week’s column.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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January 4th, 2010 at 12:16 pm
Now that’s a list I could live with.
January 4th, 2010 at 12:17 pm
I think that this is a very realistic list. One that is attainable. What a great idea. If you cannot meet these resolutions then there will be nothing lost. Enjoy working on them this year!
Becca
Please visit me at http://www.askbecca.com
January 4th, 2010 at 12:47 pm
very funny! thank you for the early morning smile!
January 4th, 2010 at 12:51 pm
This one might be funnier than last year’s resolutions. But then again I can’t remember, because me New Year’s Resolution is to forget everything…what was I talking about. Happy New Year
January 4th, 2010 at 12:53 pm
Why not reslove to do the things that you are already good at and those things that bring you the most pleasure? To become better in life is our ultimate goal right? I can’t wait to hear your report at the end of 2010!
January 4th, 2010 at 1:04 pm
I don’t get it? What are you changing?
January 4th, 2010 at 1:51 pm
I am SO sending the first one to my husband because of my kind nature to warn him. The others are all being sent to friends. Unless of course I have a grudge against them or they having called in a week. Too funny Jenny!
January 4th, 2010 at 2:06 pm
LOVE THESE! I’m right there with you!
January 4th, 2010 at 3:18 pm
I hereby resolve to read your blog always and then to actually blog about it. You are so funny. I’m sure you’ll
be the one person who will keep
their resolutions.
January 4th, 2010 at 3:51 pm
Yes, I subscribed and for 2010, I’m putting this greeting on our answering machine:
Hi, it’s a new year and we’re making some changes. Please leave your message at the beep… If we don’t call you back, you’re one of them.
January 4th, 2010 at 4:00 pm
10 Resolutions I Can Actually Keep -the funniest most relatable article you’ve read all year! | Suburban Jungle…
New Year Resolution…
January 4th, 2010 at 5:45 pm
11. Purchase (or adopt) 7 cats, 2 parrots, 6 guinea pigs, a dozen goldfish and a cairn terrier that thinks its a small child with gastrointestinal problems. This will go perfectly with the soon to be spouse and child-free home you’ll be gaining.
As for myself, I promise to stop using that one kryptonite word that so irks my wife, the dreaded ‘whatever’ retort… but only if she uses the word ‘fine’, ‘nothing’ or ‘nevermind’ when it actually means ‘fine’, ‘nothing’ or ‘nevermind’
Otherwise…no dice.
Happy New Year!
January 4th, 2010 at 7:50 pm
I was about to respond but then I thought… Never mind.
January 4th, 2010 at 7:54 pm
Love the machine… sad but true. I am putting on a lovely message, but changing all the names in my family and seeing if anyone catches on.
January 4th, 2010 at 7:54 pm
I look forward to reading your blog about my blog, so I can blog about it.
January 4th, 2010 at 7:55 pm
Thanks Carrie and Tiffany… I hope you continue to read!
January 4th, 2010 at 7:57 pm
Hee Hee Hee, you think you’re funny don’t you?
January 4th, 2010 at 7:58 pm
No prob I’m usually not the one who puts smiles on faces in the AM, so this is a lovely compliment. Please come back!
January 5th, 2010 at 12:02 am
Wow!! SCARY!! Your husband probably breaks out in a cold sweat when he reads your blogs. You might considder taking a picture of yourself,
riding your broom, in your black suit and pointy black hat and hang it in the living room as a daily reminder for him. Looking at the picture of you on your blog page, it appears you’ve improved the old beak of a nose. Maybe your hubby can get you help and fix your head too. Seems like the last of the marbles may have fallen out. Be that as it may, I loved your resolutions. Good luck keeping them.
January 5th, 2010 at 5:10 am
Those were good resolutions, Jenny. Here is one of my own that I was actually waiting until I reach retirement age to make but I think I could use the money now so I will make it ahead of schedule. This upcoming year, I am either going to take up robbing banks or start selling prescription drugs out of my home. After all, the dozen or so elderly people that have been arrested recently in my city can’t have all the fun. It seems to be the in thing to be old or disabled and to get caught robbing banks or selling prescription drugs. Of course, I can’t forget the couple that walked in to rob a bank with their five small children in tow. Hey, there’s another resolution for you. I know you have children. Have you or your husband thought about robbing banks to supplement your income? (At this point, I feel obligated to add a disclaimer in the event that Big Brother reads this post…this is a joke, this is only a joke. No actual crimes have been committed in the writing of this reply). Jenny, I hope your new year is bright and cheery.
January 5th, 2010 at 10:58 am
This is by far the best New Years Resolution list I have read so far. Good luck with all that. Its hillarious.
January 5th, 2010 at 12:10 pm
BRILLIANT!!
January 5th, 2010 at 2:41 pm
do NOT put a bite of toast/oatmeal in your mouth before reading this list. it will come out. of more than one hole in your face.
other than the oatmeal bath my sinus’ just got…this was hilarious.
January 5th, 2010 at 5:32 pm
Wow! I was thinking along those lines, but yours are so much more creative.
January 5th, 2010 at 5:51 pm
well i for one in the uk thinks thats brill …..
i did wonder if you know the same person as me as it seems so true to life of my friend hehehe
January 5th, 2010 at 8:24 pm
all i can add, is that with resolutions like the 10 you suggest, all you have to do is accomplish maybe 2 or 3 of them, and you’re miles ahead of anyone else iin keeping their resolutions!
happy new year, and i look forward to seeing the new jenny!
January 5th, 2010 at 9:45 pm
You were right. This was the funniest article I’ve read this year. Some of the resolutions are similar to my wifes resolutions last year. She had little difficulty keeping them. Only kidding?, I meant !
January 5th, 2010 at 10:26 pm
LOL! Jenny that is amazing. I feel empowered just reading those resolutions
I could actually attain most of those. Oh, and I had my husband get me a guitar 3 Christmas’s ago (then we got him one too) and neither of us can play it well yet. I’m going to keep working on that one though. I’m not giving up.
January 5th, 2010 at 10:29 pm
Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. While others are blogging about happiness and letting go I knew I could count on you to put it all in perspective. Sadly, even these are too much effort for me LOL! Happy New Year!
January 6th, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Just so you know: I’ve accomplished every one of these for several years now. However, tying into two more of my accomplished resolutions – to procrastinate & fail to live up to my potential – I didn’t write about my achievement.
January 6th, 2010 at 7:56 pm
Jenny- I’ve been living by those same resolutions for years…they really work…so you should be fine by the end of this year!
Welcome to my world!
January 6th, 2010 at 9:41 pm
Finally, some resolutions that don’t make me feel like I’d fail!
January 8th, 2010 at 6:48 am
I can’t stop giggling
January 11th, 2010 at 2:09 pm
Very cute. Happy New Year xo
January 14th, 2010 at 12:23 am
I resolved to have lots of acne and cry a lot.
I win!
January 21st, 2010 at 12:53 am
You are truly twisted sista’! Best list of resolutions ever…good luck with that!
January 26th, 2010 at 10:45 am
This is very funny… I do love your whit (wit?)… no, I am infatuated with your humor… I want to have comedic intercouse with you i am so comically turned on to your S.o.H.
So fun to discover a new mind out there…
February 2nd, 2010 at 3:53 pm
Saw your blog bookmarked on Digg.I love your site and marketing strategy.